Gaze Lost Inwards
by Kali47
Summary: Coda 1x05 Bloody Mary. Sam is stuck in his memories and guilt.


**GAZE LOST INWARDS**

Chapters: one shot  
Type: coda, drama, angst  
Rating: PG  
Main characters: Dean, Sam  
Timeline: 1x05 – Bloody Mary_  
_Summary: Little coda for episode 1x05 Bloody Mary. Set after the end of the episode.  
Beta Reader: none  
Disclaimer: Don't own the show; don't own the brothers (sadly).  
Written: June, 2008

"_I __see nothing in your eyes  
And the more I see the less I like  
Is it over yet?  
In my head?__"  
_Breath – Breaking Benjamin

* * *

Cold droplets of water trickle down Sam's chin, but the young man doesn't seem to notice. Hands strongly gripping the small porcelain sink, knuckles white and breath shallow, he stays perfectly still and there's no movement in the room except for the trickling water.

His eyes are lost on his reflection flashing from the years-old and slightly cracked mirror of yet another dingy hotel's bathroom. As he stands there, gaze lost inwards, his mind slowly replays the events of the day. Images and sequences fly before his eyes in random order. He thinks if he concentrates hard enough he could maybe find a pattern, but he can't seem to be able to conjure up the strength to do so. For now, he lets the waves of memories assault him and thinks focusing on remembering how to breathe is enough.

Jessica smiles and Jessica dies. Blood runs from his eyes, blood drops on his face. Words echo in his mind. "You could have saved her" his reflection says and he feels like screaming but no words come out.

Suddenly his world sharply moves backward and he loses his balance. Noise makes its way to his ears and he thinks he can vaguely hear someone calling his name. It takes a few blinks for his eyes to adjust on his brother's concerned face.

"Dean?" He asks dully, voice raw and he wonders why his brother suddenly seems to be taller than him.

"That's because you're sitting college-boy." His brother replies and Sam startles a bit, unaware that he had voiced his question out loud. As he looks down on himself he realises that he his indeed sitting on the toilet seat and a small "Right" escapes his lips.

"What the hell, dude. Did you hit your head or something back there?" Dean asks, concern latched to his words. Sam nods 'no' and the movement seems to help waking up his brain.

"You sure? 'Cause it's like your brain took off for a while. Called you like a dozen of times." His brother asks again, his hand still gripping tightly Sam's shoulder.

"Sorry, didn't hear you." Sam calmly replies before slowly standing up and walking back to the bedroom. Dean follows him, staying within arms reach at all times. His concern drops down a notch and his heart slowly starts calming down. He watches as his brother sits down on his bed and studies his movements. Sam seems still a bit slow, but his eyes are sharp again and Dean takes it as a good sign, letting out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding.

"I'm fine." Sam says and Dean snorts softly as he sits down on his own bed, opposite Sam.

"Sure." He mutters – unconvinced – his eyes still studying his sibling. They stare at each other for a little while, both assessing the other, until Sam gives up and looks down at his sleeve that he starts picking at. Dean takes it as his cue to engage the conversation.

"So, you mind telling me what happened in there?"

"Just zoomed out. Been thinking about what happened today." Sam replies, his eyes still on his fidgeting hands. He squints, feeling a headache slowly building behind his eyes and wishes he could just lie down and sleep all this off. But Dean still hasn't moved and without looking up he knows his brother's prying eyes are on him, demanding a better answer.

"It's all, I swear." He continues with a bit more conviction in his voice. "I'm fine," he adds for good measure.

"Sam," Is all Dean says. But the tone speaks of volume and Sam forces himself to look up and meet his brother's expectants gaze.

"I'm fine Dean. Really, I am." He manages a small smile and Dean seems to buy it. Raising to his feet and moving to fetch his toothbrush from his duffel.

Sam slips under the blankets, his head throbbing now and looks at the bathroom door which just closed after Dean. A lump rises in his throat and he feels like the gap that had slowly but surely been dug between him and his brother during their years apart just grew a bit bigger.

A small smile plays on his lips has he reminisces a time where he would ran to Dean to solve all of his problems, with the absolute certainty that Dean would and surely enough his brother always did. His smile vanishes as he realizes that there are things that even Dean can't fix now. As he closes his eyes, a small tear rolls down his cheek to die on his pillow.

Dean comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later and sets something down on Sam's bed table before walking to the windows to check the salt lines. Sam opens one eye to discover a glass of water and aspirin. He swallows the medicine and washes it down with water before lying back down and closing his eyes for the night.

He hears his brother going to bed soon after that and waits until Dean's breathing evens out to allow sleep to claim him. As he drifts off, he thinks that maybe it's true that Dean can no-longer fix everything, but at the same time he knows that nothing would stop his big brother from trying.

**FIN**


End file.
